REACQUAINTANCE
Dear Inadequacy,
Hello again.
I wish I could welcome you back into my life with open arms but we both know that, through no fault of your own, the likelihood of such a warm reception is nonexistent.
It is just the way you are — you visit me every so often & stay for as long as you please (or for as long as I allow, though I'm never really sure when you should leave). As for me, I've grown so accustomed to your intermittent presence that there is no need for fanfare, is there? Surely, after all these years, you don't expect a red carpet to be rolled out just for your arrival, do you?
Still, beneath all the formalities & practicalities, I know full well the actual reason I cannot find it in myself to receive you fondly — your appearance shines a harsh, glaring light on all my insecurities & failings, all the mistakes I somehow couldn't avoid & my apparent inability to do the things I was once so convinced I could do.
It has been said that knowledge is power & you may or may not agree. But what I can tell you, in all certainty, is that knowledge of self (in this case, at least) brings with it a whole inventory of fears — old & new, latent & manifest, deep-seated or otherwise.
Shall I let you in on a little secret? I figured I might, despite our (considerably) dysfunctional relationship, so here goes: my greatest fear is you.
Come to think of it, you have always been my greatest fear. Maybe my confession surprises you. Maybe it simply confirms what you've suspected all along. And maybe, just maybe, it gives you a certain sense of power & satisfaction. Either way, there is no escaping the truth.
I fear I will fall short of expectations, personal & professional. I fear that my best is just not good enough. I fear that my stubborn honesty, stripped of all airs & pretension, is insufficient. I fear that a simple — albeit sincere — "I love you" is too meager an offering for my one & only.
I fear I will never be enough.
Yours Faithfully,
Your Old Friend
~ swallowed in the sea ~
WOW
And so it was, when I least expected it, that I found the very thing I had long given up on ever finding, the very thing that had eluded me for what seemed like an entire lifetime.
It was a blessing, rare & true, in the most wonderfully unique form I could have possibly conceived of. And now, here it is, an invaluable treasure meant for I alone, a priceless gem which can only be treated with unsullied adoration & the utmost devotion.
To say that it is special would be to make a severe understatement, for what I have is unrivaled in its rarity & value, such that even the slightest nuances in every word spoken & every touch shared are inevitably magnified & undoubtedly precious.
And, when words fail even one such as myself, all I can say is "wow".
~ swallowed in the sea ~
CLOSURE
It had to happen, sooner or later.
I've wasted precious time on wishful thinking, waiting around, hoping for change.
But people will be people & Lord knows, the vast majority of human beings have a disturbingly strong propensity for unabashed ignorance & flagrant absurdity. They will assume, gossip & believe what they want to, instead of seeking the truth. One might be able to change their minds with persuasion but there is a time for self-promotion & a time for simply being oneself, sans any and / or all pretenses.
I am well aware that what I am about to say will inevitably be misconstrued by the nitpickers & the legalistic as pride at work, as shameless arrogance. Then again, I'm no stranger to such myopic judgment.
To the substantial degree that I am starkly critical of myself, I am also comfortably self-assured. I am well above the puerile drama, the hearsay & the presumption & thus, have chosen to dissociate myself from it all. While the pitifully misguided float through life in their flimsy little bubble of faux holiness, along with their self-righteousness & delusions of grandeur, I'll be on my merry way to greener pastures, where my worth is not determined by a "personal life" said people know nothing about & my potential is not hampered by their sanctimonious disapproval of said "personal life".
My personal life? You don't know the half of it.
Forget about burning bridges. I'm blowing this baby up.
So long, suckers.
~ swallowed in the sea ~
IN LIMBO
photo: MarthaLights
This shit is getting old.
Act I: The Vacant Lot
"I'm nearly great but there's something missing."
I suppose this is what it feels like to be empty, to be (pain)fully aware of the abundance of what oneself has to offer, yet have no one & nowhere to offer it to.
But just in case anyone is mistaken, I am long past the stage of doing things for the sake of piquing curiosity or worse, attracting attention - whatever I have said & done has been said & done as a form of catharsis, not as an attempt to provoke any sort of reaction. In simple terms, I can't be arsed with all the pathetic excuses & grandmother stories I've been fed - sell them to those naïve enough to buy them.
Get up.
Dust off.
Soldier on.
Simple words, complex actions. Funny how, sometimes, when something is taken from someone, it only worsens his burden. The weight of this emptiness bends my back & hunches my shoulders as I struggle, knees trembling, against the terrifying eventuality of crumbling to pieces.
And what then? The uncertainty is stifling.
Act II: Never Take Friendship Personal
If, one fine day, you should happen to review your list of Facebook friends & find that I am no longer on it, it would mean that I have removed you from my list. Try not to take offense, however. I click the "remove friend" button for two main reasons: either you & I never engage in any form of interaction with each other & cannot therefore be considered friends (nothing personal at all), or you have proven yourself unworthy of even a single iota of my trust & cannot therefore be considered a friend.
If you belong to the latter category of former Facebook friends, I must mention that you really aren't entitled to any indignation or soreness. It's quite a straightforward case of cause & effect, no? You betray my trust, I cut you off. Life is too short for petty squabbles, bitterness or recrimination - but it is also too short to waste on pretenses.
Severing ties with the untrustworthy is an act of self-preservation. But attempting to start an online mudslinging fest in plain sight of everyone else? Tasteless. Then again, I suppose some poor, unfortunate souls deem it necessary to publicize their contempt toward me, in a paltry effort to mete out some insignificant degree of petty revenge for the already rotting bridges I was only too eager to incinerate.
So long, suckers.
~ swallowed in the sea ~
DIE, WORLD. DIE.
Nothing.
Nothing is going right.
Murphy's Law, I abhor you.
~ swallowed in the sea ~
BEFORE THE YEAR IS OUT
I never thought I'd find myself talking about it here, on this little online space of mine. But I suppose I could no longer resist the satisfaction of a well-written rant. Call it insufferable egotism, blind indignation or even unbridled rage...call it what you will. It's about time I had some form of eloquently typewritten catharsis.
Those close to me would know where I stand in this entire mess. We know all too well the state of affairs that, by choosing to remain in the same community, we are inevitably surrounded & affected by. And I had initially believed I would remain relatively unswayed by the circumstances but the effects of the aftermath are gradually creeping into my consciousness, injecting lethal doses of resentment into my soul as they go about their contentious little ways.
If there is one principle I live by, it is to never allow bitterness to take root, lest it grows & causes irreparable damage to me - or anyone else, for that matter. But even as I make a conscious effort to adhere to the aforementioned, it is impossible to deny the pain that sometimes accompanies the very necessary process of letting go. And believe me when I say that in this particular case, the pain is the worst of its kind - at times, it feels as though I am thrashing about wildly in a bottomless ocean, trying in vain to stay afloat as I unwillingly plummet into the murky depths of despair. At other times, it feels as though I have been thrown into an eternal furnace, where I stand in its core & burn, not like refined gold but rather, like waste paper, turning into a pile of worthless ashes.
I have had the one thing I was truly proud of imperceptibly taken from me, much like how a loving, dedicated mother might have the incompetent father of her child gain sole custody of her pride & joy. And all because I was (& still am) not the flavor of the month.
I was a pioneer of this ministry - I, along with a few unequivocally gifted & deserving individuals. We built it from scratch, expending a significant portion of our time, efforts & talents to ensure nothing but the highest quality in every aspect. And now, it is nothing but a joke, a complete farce.
As difficult as it may be, I can let it go. I can accept that I am no longer in favor & am therefore not treated with due respect, although it will never fail to disgust me how there is more politicking going on in what is supposedly the house of God than in any school or office I have been in.
What truly irks me is not that I will probably never take the ministry stage again. Neither is it how, in less than two years, I have gone from being involved in & consulted on every production to a nobody, someone whose presence or contribution is not even considered.
What truly, truly rips my already battered heart to microscopic shreds is the utter travesty the ministry has become. Week after week, I endure sub-par performances, each one a sloppily put together production that is two percent talent, 98 percent rubbish, silently sympathizing with the select few whose capabilities are completely wasted on this debris that passes itself off as art.
Week after week, I sit through vainglorious displays of self-aggrandizement masquerading as God's work, a righteous indignation steadily rising up in my being, as I watch in horror how something I had painstakingly helped to build has been reduced to little more than a community controlled by cronyism & overrun by narcissism.
Undoubtedly, qualities such as dedication & consistency are vital in any ministry, as is anointing & a keen spiritual sense. But it seems, somewhere along the way, that one exceptionally crucial element has been forgotten: talent, the foundation on which everything else that qualifies a person for a job - spiritual or secular - should be constructed. In its place are mere favoritism & painfully overwrought ideas, written for an audience of sheep & played out to insult the intelligent few among them.
Surely, I am a sinner - imperfect like the rest of them but wonderfully so, like the best of them. I lay no claim to either holiness or an exceptionally lofty degree of spirituality but I am certain of one thing: this is not how it should be.
Merry Christmas & a happy new year, everyone.
~ swallowed in the sea ~
OF IRONY & SUNKEN HEART
Encouragement from halfway around the world:
Noel - yeong and dangerous says:
don't worry
Noel - yeong and dangerous says:
someday your prince will come
Noel - yeong and dangerous says:
or in your case, maybe slave
Noel - yeong and dangerous says:
since you got the whole dominatrix thing going on
(*)P$YCHO(*) ~Of Irony & Sunken Heart.~ says:
HAHAHA
(*)P$YCHO(*) ~Of Irony & Sunken Heart.~ says:
Aiyah...that's just like, a side project.
(*)P$YCHO(*) ~Of Irony & Sunken Heart.~ says:
The main one involves a prince.
(*)P$YCHO(*) ~Of Irony & Sunken Heart.~ says:
Or, since I'm already so old, a king.
(*)P$YCHO(*) ~Of Irony & Sunken Heart.~ says:
Better.
(*)P$YCHO(*) ~Of Irony & Sunken Heart.~ says:
Hahaha
Noel - yeong and dangerous says:
hahaha
Noel - yeong and dangerous says:
yeah
Noel - yeong and dangerous says:
only the best for cheryl tay
Noel - yeong and dangerous says:
after all, u only get to pick one
(*)P$YCHO(*) ~Of Irony & Sunken Heart.~ says:
Yeah, unfortunately.
(*)P$YCHO(*) ~Of Irony & Sunken Heart.~ says:
HAHAHAHA
Noel - yeong and dangerous says:
haha
(*)P$YCHO(*) ~Of Irony & Sunken Heart.~ says:
Oh, well...time to write some sad poems
(*)P$YCHO(*) ~Of Irony & Sunken Heart.~ says:
and drown myself in whisky.
(*)P$YCHO(*) ~Of Irony & Sunken Heart.~ says:
HAHAHAHA
Noel - yeong and dangerous says:
haha
Noel - yeong and dangerous says:
don't make your mom worry
(*)P$YCHO(*) ~Of Irony & Sunken Heart.~ says:
Hahahaha
(*)P$YCHO(*) ~Of Irony & Sunken Heart.~ says:
No lah...
(*)P$YCHO(*) ~Of Irony & Sunken Heart.~ says:
I am kidding.
(*)P$YCHO(*) ~Of Irony & Sunken Heart.~ says:
I know I'm all dark and twisted
(*)P$YCHO(*) ~Of Irony & Sunken Heart.~ says:
but I'm not stupid.
Noel - yeong and dangerous says:
nah
Noel - yeong and dangerous says:
deep down inside that dark twisted heart of yours is a solid piece of gold named cheryl
Noel - yeong and dangerous says:
you'll do fine
(*)P$YCHO(*) ~Of Irony & Sunken Heart.~ says:
Awwwwww!
(*)P$YCHO(*) ~Of Irony & Sunken Heart.~ says:
Thanks.
Noel - yeong and dangerous says:
you're welcome
~ swallowed in the sea ~
